It seems that my dedicated blog post day of Thursday silently faded into Friday…. it might go back to Thursday again,who knows.
Time itself is moving faster and faster but everything else moves a lot slower than I had anticipated originally and another delay is in sight for the book. September has passed and I just ripped off another page of my old fashioned wall calendar and now I am looking at the one representing October of 2010. The year just had started!! Yikes!
Last week I was talking about compassion and the attempt to live every day like it would be my last. This is a stressful thing to do I realize, but it also can be rewarding.
And so it happened that I met a person the other day who is suffering from burn out syndrome the same way I did in 2007. Granted every person has a different experience but when I sat there looking for the right words to describe how I felt when I was in the darkness of a depression and a mental break down, I also realized that now I know why I had to go through this experience. I guess there is no other reason then being able to help others. I never looked at it this way and ever since it all happened I asked myself “Why me?” and now three years later I got the answer. I can relate! This is the secret to all compassion.
I was looking for the parts in the book where I tried to describe the feelings of being freaking lost in the world not knowing what will happen in the next minute, hour, week, or month just drifting along in utter confusion and awe observing what was happening to my body, mind and spirit.
An excerpt from Chapter 24 “The crash” from “To Drink the Wild Air” about the observations when the brain stops working:
My entire body started trembling, and moments later my hand was shaking so badly, I could no longer click the mouse button. I made myself a mere bystander to my own project presentation and lost interest in even attempting to appear competent, but was still able to manage the situation under immense constraints. An inner fog surrounded me and all the voices I heard seemed muffled; when I looked at my colleagues seated around the room, I only saw grimacing, scary clown faces. This was the very moment I lost the ability to purposefully control my body with my mind, and instead my body merely manifested whatever my burned-out brain was dictating. The meeting ended, but the trembling of my body continued. I had become trapped in all this turmoil and saw everything racing around me at dizzying speeds, in screaming colors and with a loud grinding noise.